2012 has been a hard but amazing year. January was the passing of a good friend. February was relatively uneventful. March was a road trip to NC with some stops along the way to friends/family. April was my 30th birthday. May was when I got engaged June was when I went to Spain/France July was when I came home from Spain/France and went to Dubai for work. August just started, but it's hard to believe the year is so close to being over. Kevin will be home in "5-9 weeks". The stress/worry/anticipation/excitement is having quite a number on my psyche. Been very cranky of late. Trying to get over that.

Need to get some stuff out ...

... and I don't want to whine about it on Facebook. I wish there was an option to post something but deactivate the comment function. Sometimes you just need to get it out, without the arsenal of not necessarily desired responses.

Shane died tonight. Last night. Whatever. Sometime between the most recent sunset and now. I got an email from Amber at 1am that said he died on his motorcycle and she'd get me the details once she had them.

Fuckin' Shane. That was my first thought. Crazy fuckin' Shane.

I just hope it was quick and he didn't suffer. It sounds weird when I say it out loud, but that is my hope. Even when times were shitty and just flat out sucked, he always found a smile, found a laugh and had a hug to give. He had a lot of living left to do.

I've experienced a lot of loss in my 29 years on this planet. I've experienced many firsts. Yes, I've lost loved ones, and I've lost "friends", but this is this first actual friend that's died.

I talked to him a couple of days ago. No more "Lady." texts. No more goofy YouTube videos. No more crazy Shane stories. I'm sadder than I've been in a long time.

In the grand scheme of things ...

my concerns and worries are trivial and insignificant, but sometimes, in the moment, they feel huge and unmanageable.

I feel like I'm standing at the end of a hallway with 2 doors. On the other side of one door, the sun is shining, the grass is green, and I realize how small and easy to let go of my troubles are ... through the other, it's an Eeyore day, and everything is bigger than I can bare.

At the moment, I'm sitting between the doors, touching them both, and my heart is too restless to know which door to push open, and which to pull shut.

Restless ...

2:15am. Wide awake. Brain won't stop. As I lay in bed, tossing and turning, the snoring almost becomes surround sound. It's comforting. It reminds me that though we aren't together, I'm not alone.

A New Year, or ....

HOW THE HELL IS IT JANUARY 4th ALREADY?!?!?! More importantly, how the hell is it January 4th 2011 already??!!!

I spent a lot of time the last few days reflecting on the breakup. I think that I have come to terms with the fact that I am likely to never get closure, never get an apology and am just going to have to be OK with that.

I have so much more to say, but just looked at the time ... gotta go get ready for work ...

A Home for the Holidays ...

Christmas 2004: (the first Christmas without Mom) I spent doing the circuit of houses of friends.

Christmas 2005: I spent this one doing the circuit of houses again.

Christmas 2006: I spent this with Michael @ his grand parents

Christmas 2007: Jami and I had been together for about 3 weeks, but I spent it in Ocala with her family and extended family.

Christmas 2008: Spent Christmas in Ocala w/ Jami and her parents.

Christmas 2009: Spent Christmas in Ocala w/ Jami and her parents while she was home from UTS for break.

Christmas 2010: I will be home alone with the cats.

This Christmas will be the first year that I will be alone since Mom died. I realized that last night and laid in bed crying for a while.

I'm sure that everyone just assumes I have somewhere to go. I don't want to impose on anyone and ask if I can spend the day with them. I don't want to sit around and watch them open presents and all of that - it feels too personal and akward to be part of that if it isn't close friends or family, but having somewhere to go to eat Christmas dinner sure sounds nice ...

I feel like everything around me is spinning ...

Much like this ferris wheel, it's not spinning out of control.
Much like this ferris wheel, it feels dangerous and scary, but it's pretty safe.
Much like this ferris wheel, the beginning of the ride brings joy and excitement.
Much like this ferris wheel, the end brings a feeling of disappointment.

I feel stuck at the top ... watching everything happen below and around me ...

Appalling ...

"If society was convinced that people are indeed born gay, then many would also be convinced that there is a need to protect homosexuals by the government as a designated minority class, such as African-Americans or Native Americans. This would spark states to legalize same-sex marriages, and more preschool children would be taught that having two mommies and no daddy is just another kind of love."

Yep, I'm going there. If you're likely to be offended, you may want to stop reading. I was offended by seeing this today, and I'm choosing to vent about it. If you don't want to read it, don't. This is going to be a bit muddled because I'm really stinking angry right now. I would just type this out in MSWord and mull it over, clean it up a bit and post it later, but Facebook Notes won't let me copy/paste, and I'm not typing this twice.

It disturbs, disgusts and angers me that messages of hate are being spread by individuals who claim to be spreading "God's message of love and acceptance." My frustration with the paragraph above isn't even so much that a "Christian" wrote it, but that a human being would write that. What ever happened to the golden rule? You know, treat others how you would like to be treated?

Churches dump MILLIONS of dollars at anti-gay legislation. Can you imagine the good that could be done with that money if it were being spent on the betterment of society? Feed/shelter the homeless. Build a safe place for children to play. Fund the arts. Help families who are going through hard times.Why must that money be spent instead on banning gay marriage or gay adoption? Marriage, as we understand it in society, stems from religion. Last time I checked, the Constitution prohibited the making of laws based on religion.

What harm will honestly come from a child being raised in a home with two loving, caring parents who happen to have the same parts? Do you ever read the news? How many heterosexual couples are arrested or make the news every day because of child neglect, rape, molestation, etc? You're honestly going to tell me that a stable loving home with two parents of the same gender is a worse environment for those childen?

Legalizing gay marriage hurts no one, in fact there are 1,049 rights and benefits at the state and federal level that are denied to gay couples because they aren't "married", or if they are, that marriage isn't federally recognized. "But it will destory the sanctity of marriage!" Seriously? Have you seen the divorce rates lately for heterosexual couples? 1st marriages: 41-50%, 2nd marriages: 60-67%, 3rd marriages: 73-74%.

Gay people aren't trying to recruit your children, or turn the whole world gay. Homosexuals just want the same rights heterosexual couples have - no more, no less.

The 14th Amendment states: "No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty or property, without due process of the law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

That little word, "marriage", has so many other things attached to it that most people don't think about. Why is it ok to deny a homosexual couple from seeing their loved one in the hospital? or for being able to leave their partner the house they paid for together during their relationship? or being able to make health care decisions for their partner? or being able to collect their partner's benefits after one passes? There are countless stories out there of these very things happening, because the couple lived in a state where gay marriage wasn't recongized, or wasn't legal.

I worry that I have veered off topic into a rant about why gay marriage needs to be legalized, and for that I apologize. Significant strides are being made right now in California, and I can only hope that their forward momentum will continue and that it will end positively.

Some people reading this note may not support organized religion at all, and if you made it this far, thanks for listening. I just wish that all of the "Christians" out there worked on spreading the message of love and acceptance that they sure do talk alot about, but often seem not to follow.

... and now, to address the religious side of that argument, I'm going to quote a bit from a book that really articulates the message much more clearly that I would be able to right now.

Christians opposed to political and social equality for homosexuals do not always appeal to the moral injunctions of the Bible, claiming that the Scripture is very clear on the matter and citing versus that support their opinion. They accuse others of perverting and distorting texts contrary to their "clear" meaning. They do not, however, necessarily see quite as clear a meaning in biblical passages on economic conduct, the burdens of wealth, and the sin greed.

Nine Biblical citations are customarily invoked as relating to homosexuality. Four (Deuteronomy 23:17, I Kings 14:24, I Kings 22:46, and II Kings 23:7) simply forbi prostitution by men and women. Two other (Leviticus 18:19-23 and Leviticus 20:10-16) are part of what biblical scholars call the Holiness Code. The code explicitily bans homosexual acts. But it also prohibits eating raw meat, planting two different kinds of seed in the same field and wearing garments with two different kinds of yarn. Tattoos, adultery, and sexual intercourse during a woman's menstrual period are similarly outlawed.

There is no mention of homosexuality in the four Gospels of the New Testament. The moral teachings of Jesus are not concerned with the subject.

Three references from St. Paul are frequently cited (Romans 1:26-2:1, I Corinthians 6:9-11, and I Timothy 1:10). But St. Paul was concerned with homosexuality only because in Greco-Roman culture it represented a secular sensuality that was contratry to his Jewish-Christian spiritual idealism. He was against lust and sexuality in anyone, including heterosexuals. To say that homosexuality is bad because homosexuals are tempted to do morally doubtful things is to say that heterosexuality is bad because heterosexuals are likewise tempted. For St. Paul, anyone who puts his or her interest ahead of God's is condemened, a verdict that falls equally upon everyone.

And lest we forget Sodom and Gomorrah, recall that the story is not about sexual perversion and homosexual practice. it is about inhospitality, according to Luke 10:10-13, and failure to take care of the poor, according to Ezekial 16:49-50: "Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strenthen the hand of the poor and needy." To suggest that Sodom and Gomorrah is about homosexual sex is an analysis of about as much worth as suggesting that the story of Jonah and the whale is a treatise on fishing.

The same Bible that advocates of slavery used to protect their wicked self-interests is the Bible that inspired slaves to revolt and their liberators into action.

The same Bible that the predecessors of [the Reverend Jerry] Fallwell and [the Reverent Pat] Robertson used to keep white churches white is the source of the inspiration of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., and the social reformation of the 1960's.

The same Bible that antifeminists used to keep women silent in the churches is the Bible that preaches liberation to captives and says that in Christ there is neither male nor female, slave nor free.

And the same Bible which, on the basis of an archaic social code of ancient Israel and a tortured reading of Paul, is used to condem all homosexuals and homosexual behavior includes metaphors of redemption, renewal, inclusion and love- principles that invite homosexuals to accept their freedom and responsibility in Christ and demand that their fellow Christians accept them as well.
- from: Is It a Choice? Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions about Gay and Lesbian people.

Also, if this note has offended you because you hold a steadfast belief that gay marriage should not be legalized and that homosexuals are deserving of unequal rights, then that means you hold a steadfast belief that I should not be able to marry the person I love and that I do not deserve equal rights. If, for those reasons, you choose to "un-friend" me on facebook, so be it. It's been a pleasure reconnecting with you and sharing your life with you, and I wish you all the best.

To the unoffended, unaffected or otherwise uninterested: Thanks for reading. :)

To those that scrolled to the bottom looking for the Cliff Notes: Remember the Golden Rule - treat others how you wish to be treated. <3

I was fine when I was 25 …

Something about 28 is painful though, seriously …

When I left NYC, it was for financial reasons. Money was better in FL … lower taxes, bigger paycheck, lower cost of living. The other factor in that: C A R E E R. My job in NYC was just that, a job … my job in FL however, has the makings of a career.

The road before me almost feels daunting, but is exciting too. “When I grow up …” is rapidly approaching … and I’m just not sure what to make of it …

Big lights will inspire you ...

I decorated my cubicle yesterday. I never did that the first time I was here. I have surrounded myself (quite literally) with faces and places where memories happened. The mix is currently from when I was in the Northeast. I’m sure that with time, the faces and places will change, but for now, I’m surrounded by the most amazing 4 months of my life. A happier, more radiant Marlette appears as the timeline progresses.

I thought I lost everything … turns out, I may have gained something more important than “the stuff” … I gained an awareness of how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love and support me, no matter what, and that in the end, it all works out exactly as it should.

It’s truly hard for me to grasp how much can change in such a short period of time, but I will never regret the decision to move to NYC. It really is a part of me now, and I’m glad that I went.

Settling in ...

I have returned to Florida, and in doing so have returned to my old job. Same title. Same chair. Same pen cup. Same phone extension and email. It’s like I never left. IT was able to recover my old files and old emails for me, so that will be helpful down the road.

I’m not quite sure that it’s OK to blog at work, but today, I’m willing to take my chances. I have communicated to my supervisor and my 2 co-workers that I have “very little on my plate today” and to please “send some work my way” … they have opted not to do that yet, so here I am. My paperclips are sorted by size, my old files have been reorganized and purged, I have reviewed last month’s work on the projects I will be working on so that I know the logic behind the changes required for this month. My magnetic tic-tac-toe is in place, and my candy jar is replenished.

So here I sit, in the quiet side of an already quiet department – today, I’m left alone with my thoughts. I’m a bit further away from the admin ass’t that I was before, so I’m no longer distracted/entertained by her phone calls and random (and barely audible) profanities. My boss’ room brightening laughter is still within earshot, but the traffic walking by is lighter over here.

It’s nice to be back in FL. I definitely took things for granted before. I have a new appreciation for how the water tastes. I smile when I smell the ocean breeze as I cross over the bridge coming to work. I take comfort in watching the manatees swim by in the river while I’m out back at lunch.

*nods*

Definitely made the right decision coming home – financially, mentally, emotionally … things are how they should be, at least for right now.

The decision has been made ...

... and I'm going to take solace in knowing that this decision is the right one for me for where I am in life right now.

Having spent the last 4 months recovering from heartbreak, adapting to single life, enjoying the hell out of New York City, making new friends, experiencing new things, pushing my limits, exploring repressed feelings and giving this city my all, I can comfortably say that it's time to go home.

I will look back on my time in the city as one hell of a summer vacation, and will return to Florida more at peace with myself, more comfortable in my own skin and much more aware of what makes me tick, and what is important to me.

Maybe I needed to move to NYC, fuck myself financially and have my heartbroken so that I could find myself. Maybe I knew who I was all along, but I needed it confirmed.

I'm grateful to be able to get my old job back, move in with my neice and really start to get things set up for the next big thing ...

Nights like tonight don't make this decision any easier ...

I moved to NYC with certain expectatioins - budgetary expectations, support-system expectations, etc ... those expectations have been thrown out the window and I am now left wondering what to do ... stay in NYC or move back to FL ...

Please don't misunderstand me - I love NYC ... but I'm broke, lol.

The reality of the situation is that I make $8K/yr more here and bring home $250 less per month thanks to the combined total of 34% taxes ... my cost of living has increased dramatically now that I am living in NYC and trying to make this shit work on my own ...

Moving back to FL would be mostly financially based, but a little bit comfort based ... I get my friends back, my old job back, my car back ... this whole New York thing will be like a tiny, albeit financially diasterous, hiccup in that safe little routine of a life I had in FL ...

... but I wouldn't trade the experiences I'm having here for the world ... so what is a girl to do? move home, be responsible and pay down debt? or say fuck it, live in the moment and hope for a miracle?

I just don't know what to say anymore ...

... the lyrics to the song I heard tonight sent me for a ride on an emotional wave. I've been doing a good job of staying near the shallow end of the wave pool ... tonight, that song thrust me violently into the deep end during high tide.

I've never wanted to scream "FUCK YOU!" so loud in my life, and when I opened my mouth to yell them "I MISS YOU!" was all that could come out.

A mental health day ...

I probably should have done something useful today, but instead I relaxed.

I have had a pretty stressful few weeks. I moved to NYC on Thursday 4/1. I started work on Tuesday 4/6. I've been working 10-11 hour days, and it feels like I've had no time for me. I took today for me. Sure, I was semi-productive ... I went to the store and bought a few essentials, and grabbed a quick bite to eat with Jami for lunch, but other than that, I stayed in, played on Facebook/Farmville/Treasure Isle/iTunes ...

I'm not homesick yet. I am missing my friends pretty hardcore.

Last weekend Ayla and Danielle drove down and picked me up and took me to CT for Sat night/Sunday. We drove up to Stockbridge, MA and went to the Norman Rockwell Museum. That was a nice suprise. I really didn't like his work very much before, but at the museum, I learned that he took photographs of his models posing, and then worked up the paintins from the photographs - the photography was STUNNING! More than anything, I enjoyed time with the girls.

I'm glad to have been able to spend some time with David while he's been home. I'm grateful for a very long list of reasons that he is in my life. It's great that we don't have to talk all the time, but are still able to connect. He really is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I would be lost without him right now.

Jeff is coming up to visit the last weekend in April. I'm very excited to see him. We're going to spend Saturday film hopping @ the TriBeCa film festival. We have tickets to go see Snowmen, Dog Pound and Every Day. I'm excited.

Ok. Dinner time I suppose. More later.

All Hail the Heartbreaker

Thank you to Danielle for introducing me to The Spill Canvas ...


ALL HAIL THE HEARTBREAKER

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

New life begins ...

Over the last 17 years or so, this grapefruit tree has taken a beating ... a couple of hurricanes, some bad trim jobs, some rough weather ... in the Fall, I really was beginning to wonder if the grapefruit tree in the backyard would come back after this Winter ... it has started looking pretty rough as the years have gone on ... as I was leaving today, I saw that new life has sprouted ...

Must just be God's reminder to me that sometimes things have to get bad before they can get better ...



I'm going to take a better picture of this later, but to get the idea out of my head, I took a pic on my phone, then did a quick edit in Color Splash to highlight the color of the fruit ... it's going to be hard to get a good pic with the power lines in the way, but I'm going to try and make it work!

Raindrops are falling ...

So the other day I spent my lunch break in my car, watching the rain come down around me. I actually had a really good cry while sitting there. I wasn't sad, depressed, upset or anything ... it was just a release ... this move is overwhelming, amazing, scary, joyous and intense ... I'm finally moving on ... I've wanted it for years ...

... my dreams are coming into focus ...

Really Chaz Bono? Really?!?

A year into his gender transition, Chaz Bono tells CNN's Anderson Cooper 'I was never a lesbian, I just looked like one.'

http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/bestoftv/2010/03/12/ac360.chastity.to.chaz.cnn&hpt=P1

I didn't realize that "lesbians" all had a certain look??

Way to perpetuate the stereotypes!!

It's much easier ...

... to quit a job when your boss is an a**hole ...

... quitting a job where everyone is really nice, accomodating, kind and welcoming is really hard.

I'm not going to dwell on that though ... I'm going to look forward to the exciting new things happening in my life and remember this year of my life fondly.